My Traitor's Heart

I just finished an amazing book about South Africa called My Traitor’s Heart by Rian Malan. Malan is a seventh generation white Afrikaans speaking South African whose ancestors were part of establishing apartheid. His book is about his own struggle with his identity, privilege, and the issues of South Africa – past and present. The book was written before the end of apartheid – in 1990 – but it is telling even of today concerning the struggles – both internal and external. I won’t summarize the book, but I will suggest you to read it if possible. I will however tell you why it is impacting my experience today.

It is an interesting time to be here. I regret that I haven’t shared more about the popular events of today – the crisis in Zimbabwe, the xenophobia attacks in the townships, the political struggles and food shortages. It isn’t that I haven’t been paying attention, nor that I don’t care. It is simply hard to express – difficult to articulate in a way that is fair and complete. I feel so ill-equipped to do Africa justice – to talk about the struggles and the successes. Because of it I am hesitant to speak of the struggles, but I am sure that isn’t fair either.

Malan’s book is depressing in one sense. It presents a difficult view of South Africa – the history, the struggles, and the solutions. However, it also speaks of the one thing that persists in my impression of this country and its people – its/their tenacity. It is not easy here. Even for the privileged. I believe that there is a constant search for identity in this country that is both exhilarating and confusing at the same time. To be South African means something dynamic and special. It means that one has a violent history of recent oppression and tyranny that was overcome through a people’s movement. It means living under one of the world’s best, most inclusive constitutions to be enforced by new leaders – often idealistic and a bit inexperienced. It means living with the dichotomy of first world and third world privileges and problems separated by – in some cases – only a river or a set of railroad tracks. It means struggling for a world identity – being proud of the successes of integrating socialist tendencies from the current ruling party - the African National Congress - and its past leaders such as Mandela, but also being ashamed of the little struggles involved in assuming power witnessed by the world – the electricity shortage and violence eruption. It means more things that I could possibly put on this page and I am overcome.

Rotarians keep asking me my impressions. They are businessmen and women struggling with the day to day aspects of living, sending their children to schools, and attempting to participate in as many solutions as possible – struggling with the set backs and rejoicing with the successes. I can see the struggle and I am nervous to answer their questions – I have impressions, but are any of them simple enough to express in a couple sentences? I often talk of tenacity and the virtuous spirit I see around me at Entembeni and with those who volunteer to help the communities – aiding the government and the transition started 14 years ago but continuing today. I don’t want to ignore the struggles – I know they exist, but I don’t offer a quick solution. I don’t think it is my task here of my privilege as an outsider. All I can do is to hold on to my litany and continue to say is that I am impressed with the graciousness of spirit here and the individuals who are committing to changing the ills here, not willing to run away despite the confusion and problems. I am impressed South Africa – not because you are perfect – without violence, problems, or confusion – but because you try and keep trying.